“What Does Your Daddy Do?”
A reflection on the harmful messages unconsciously spoken through everyday childrens books.
Words: 704
As a mum, I spend a lot of time educating my kids about tough topics. Things like equality, poverty, and racism come up daily, usually during car trips to and from school.
The way we parents navigate so many intense subjects without traumatising our kids should be a recognised skill set!
Though I admit, I often struggle to find the right words and don’t always feel that I have adequately addressed the issues they raise.
Take the opportunity to educate: Don’t just let things go
Correcting harmful ideas before they unconsciously sprout into something more sinister is like plucking weeds from a garden. It’s constant but oh so important. Each day, our children inevitably hear or see a multitude of messages as they interact with the world.
Some are great; some are ... bad.
I want to share one that at first seems harmless and discuss it because, as we unpack it, a couple of pretty harmful messages arise.
My five-year-old chose a book recently from the school library. The book is titled:
“What does your Daddy do?”
This seemingly warm-hearted question hides generations of harmful and outdated beliefs.
Let’s unpack it.
“What does your daddy do?”
The four main issues I have with this are:
It pushes men back into the “provider” box
It devalues mothers’ equality
It encourages comparison and societal ranking
It misses what really matters to kids
Issue 1: Assuming Men’s role as the main provider
It’s important to start using language that supports a variety of family structures. The idea of a traditional nuclear family structure where men carry the burden of being the main provider is outdated.
Men have felt the weight of this expectation for generations, and it has taken a toll on their health and wellbeing.
Instead, widening our thinking about what fatherhood looks like gives men the freedom to choose without facing negative social stigma.
Issue 2: Implying men’s and women’s roles aren’t equal.
For starters why isn’t the title: “What do your parents do?” Only mentioning Dads, excludes mothers from the category of people who work.
The book title assumes the following:
Men work
Women don’t
Fathers deserve admiration for their hard work
Mothers don’t
These enduring assumptions are mechanisms by which bias and inequality are allowed to continue to operate. Unconscious or not, the harm done is the same.
Issue 3: Comparing a person’s rank in society according to title
In a class setting, asking “What does your Daddy do?” would get some varied answers:
“My dad is unwell and stays at home.”
“My dad is a CEO.”
“My dad is in jail.”
“My dad isn’t around.”
Naturally, kids compare answers. It’s very easy for them to internalise shame from not being able to give an answer expected by the book. They might end up feeling judged, confused, left out, embarrassed, or “less than” their classmates.
That’s too much of an emotional burden for a child to bear over something they can’t control.
Issue 3: Kids don’t care about titles, so let’s not make them
I don’t believe kids care about what other dads do to put food on the table. Until they are asked, they probably never think about it at all.
You know what they do care about, though?
Who helps take care of them
Who plays with them
What makes their family special
What their favourite things are to do with their family
These questions focus on what matters: relationships, love, and belonging.
Final thoughts
Parents have the difficult task of correcting harmful unconscious messaging. These messages pop up everywhere and reflect the issues that were “normalised” in previous generations.
Books like “What does your Daddy do?” may seem harmless, but they unconsciously teach children to measure people by their job title, make fathers solely responsible for provision, exclude mothers from the conversation, and isolate children whose families are different.
As parents, we must learn to recognise these messages and actively replace them with language and stories that invite curiosity and inclusion.
I'd have never thought of this.
Is there a book of what TO think of?
i love this! it’s such an important topic. and our kids learn the most from us in these little micro moments like you are describing. you’re doing a great job! keep up the good work! 💕